Wacky Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays. 


Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. 




Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills. 




Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower. 


Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" 

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. 

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. 




Father: A banker provided by nature. 

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. 


Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.


Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read. 


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. 


Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 


Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 


Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. 


Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. 


Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death

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Corporate Management Explained

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked: "What you gonna to do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot -! to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket)

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

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Santa Banta ... Fun continues...

Santa sent SMS to his BOSS: Me sick, no work. 
Boss SMS back: When I am sick I kiss my wife try it. 
Two hours later Santa sms 2 boss: Me ok, ur wife very sweet.   
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* 
Santa ki chatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella mein hole kyu? 
Sardar bola: Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega.   
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********   
Santa: Why has the Govt. fixed voting age 18yrs & marriage age 21yrs? 
Banta: Govt. ko pata hai ki desh sambhalna aasan hai, lekin biwi ko nahi. 
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********   
Banta: Pareshan lag rahe ho. 
Santa: Yaar baap ban ne wala hu. 
Banta: Yeh to khushi ki baat hai. 
Santa: Lekin biwi ko nahi pata. 
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********   
Santa bada dukhi tha, kisi ne pucha itni tension me kyon ho? 
Santa: Ek dost ko 3 lac plastic surgery k liye diye the, ab use pehchan nahin pa raha   
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********   
********* THE BEST ONE ! ! ! ! ! 
Driver: Sir ji, petrol khatam ho gaya , gaadi aage nahi ja sakti. 
Banta: Chalo Phir, wapis le chalo. 
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********   
Santa: Wo dekh teri biwi ko saanp kaat raha hai. 
Banta: Are tension mat le, Jeher bharwane aya hoga...   
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********   
Banta: Kal Muje 10 logo ne Peeta. 
Santa: Phir tune kya kiya? 
Banta: Maine kaha salon ek-ek karke aao. 
Santa: Phir? 
Banta: Phir kya, Salon ne ek-ek karke dubara Peeta !     
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********     
Pappu: Ajj madam ne 1 swaal puchhya jisda jawab sirf mainu hi pata si. 
Santa: Mera biba beta, ki swaal si? 
Pappu: Swaal si k blackboard kol susu kine kita hai?   
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********   
Inspector to Banta: Faansi se pehle, bata teri antim ichha kya hai? 
Banta: Mere pair upar aur sir neeche kar k faansi de do..! 

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MEN Vs WOMEN

The Silent Treatment... 




A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each 
other the silent treatment. 




Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' 




He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM 
and he had missed his flight. 




Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. 




The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 






WIFE VS. HUSBAND


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 


An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.


As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 


'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws''




WOMEN'S REVENGE..


'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 


As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.


'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' 
I asked. 


'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING  WOMEN.. 
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)


I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 
and still be afraid of a spider..




W O R D S..


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.


The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 




CREATION..


A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.


' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.


God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.


God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!! 




WHO DOES WHAT..


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.


The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'




The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and 
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'


Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'


Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ ..'HEBREWS' 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. . 

 GOD CREATED MAN THAN HE RESTED, THAN CREATED WOMAN BUT AFTER THAT

NEITHER GOD NOR MAN RSTED.

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Five Minutes - Explained

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1 line humor – no fun, its serious

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. 

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! 

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cheque. 

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. 

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it. 

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. 

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. 

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. 

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. 

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. 

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. 

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. 

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. 

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books. 

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. 

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something 

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak! 

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? 

Dr: Get married. 

Man: Will it help? 

Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come. 

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! 

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? 

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.. 

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. 

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. 

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

[28]Faithful husband always goes to heaven but unfaithful husband always enjoys heaven on the earth.

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Santa Banta ... Fun continues

• Santa proposing a girl: Darling kya tum mujse shadi karogi?
Girl: Tameez se baat karo..
Santa: Behan ji, kya aap mujhse shaadi karoge?

• Inspector to Santa: Faansi se pehle, bata teri aakhri ichha kya 
hai?Santa: Mere pair upar aur sier neeche kar k faansi de do!

• Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said 'Switched 
Off'!"
Banta: Nooo, it's my HELLO TUNE!

• Beggar: Oh sundari, andha hoon, paanch rupya de de.
Santa to his wife: De de, De de, tujhe sundari bola hai to har haal 
main ye andha hai.

• Banta: Jab main paida hua tha to military walon ne 21 topein 
chalayeen thi. Santa: Kamaal hai ! Sab ka nishana chook gaya ?

• Q: What do you call a man who can't hear anything?
Santa: Anything you want because he can't hear na!!!

• Santa: What is the similarity between Bill Gates n Me? 
Banta: Don't know...
Santa: Well... He never comes to my house & I never go 2 his!

• Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Santa: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

• Santa: Is operation se mujhe kuchh ho gaya to isi doctor se shadi 
kar Lena ...
Jeeto: Aise kyo kah rahe ho?
Santa: Doctor se badla Lene ka yehi 1 rasta hai!

• Santa-Bus stand jane k kitne paise?
Rikshawala: 10 Rs
Santa: 2Rs mein chalega to theek hai
Rikshawala: 2Rs mein kaun le k jayega?
Santa: Peeche baith main lekar jata hoon.

• Santa bought a car on loan..... He didn't pay the dues, the bank 
took away his car
Santa: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!

• Banta mujra dekhne gaya , sari raat mujra dekha.
Bai ne kaha: Sahab humne aap ko khush kiya, ab aap hume khush karo. 
Banta utha or khud nachne laga.. 

• Banta was driving his car in a zigzag fashion on d road. Traffic inspector stopped him.
Banta: I'm learning car driving.
Inspector: Without d instructor?
Banta: Correspondence Course!

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Funny Pics Series

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Serious Jokes--Petrol & Rupee......

New Greetings:

May your happiness increase like Petrol Price,

May your sorrow fall like Indian Rupee, and

May joy fill your heart like corruption in India…!!!

Congress is fulfilling its promise, when they said: GDP will rise this year.

The only thing we forgot to ask him its full form:

G= Gas & Gold

D= Diesel & Dollar

P= Petrol & Penny

Pleasure & Pain come at the same price: Rs.80/- for a Beer Bottle OR 1 Litre Petrol.

Decision is yours… झूम लो, या घूम लो.!!!

All Girls’ Dream come True!

All Girls’ Dream-men will come on horse!

All thanks to the Petrol Price Hike!

Dear Father-in-Law,

I deeply regret taking a Car in dowry.

Please take your Daughter or Car back…

I cannot afford both.

Now Tata Nano’s fuel cost will be more than its EMI (Equal Monthly Installments)!

Soon, Rupee will be SENIOR CITIZEN (above Rs.60 per US Dollar);

Petrol has already become VERY SENIOR CITIZEN in Bangalore (Rs.81 per litre) !!!

Finally it has happened…

After decades,

Beer is now cheaper than petrol !!!

Now, there will be new slogan: JUST DRINK; DON’T DRIVE !!!

Expensive petrol will help solve the problem of traffic jams!

Drink and drive should not be a problem now.

After all, how many will be able to afford alcohol and petrol on the same day?

We have the world’s cheapest car and the world’s costliest petrol. रिकॉर्ड बन गया!!!

Sign board at Petrol pump: Buy Petrol worth Rs. 20,000 and get a TATA nano absolutely free.

(scheme for आम आदमी J Now he can get car with petrol!)

Man at Petrol Pump: Full tank कर दो...

Attendant: Sir, PAN Card की copy दो...

Man: What? Why? How?

Attendant: Sir, it’s a HIGH VALUE TRANSACTION !!!

Petrol price hiked by Rs.7.50 per litre…

और करो संता-बंता के jokes!

देखा, सरदार का revenge..!!

Harbhajan to Dhoni: हम तो जानबूझ के मैच हारे है... पता है की जीतनेवाली टीम को Volkswagon मिलने वाली है, और वो petrol की है...!!!

Amitabh Bachchan has decided to take all his payments in Dollars…

Because……….

वो आज भी गिरे हुए पैसे नहीं उठाता...!!!

Dharmendra’s new dialogue:

कुत्ते... कमीने... तेरी गड्डी का पेट्रोल पी जाऊंगा...

Beti: Mom, He is JUST A FRIEND!

Mom: हमने दुनिया देखि है, बेटी... 2 लीटर पेट्रोल जलाके घर आने वाला कभी JUST FRIEND नहीं होता...

Petrol Pump Attendant: कितने का डालूँ?

Grahak: 50 ML गाडी पे स्प्रे कर दे भाई, आग लगानी है...

Dear Rupee,

तुम मेरे प्यार में इतना गिर जाओगे,

ये मैंने सपने में भी नहीं सोचा था...

~तुम्हारा Dollar

रामचंद्र कहे गए सिया से, ऐसा कलयुग आएगा,

कार कैश पे लेगा हर कोई, पेट्रोल लोन से भरवाएगा...!!

Breaking News:Rupee qualifies for the London Olympics. Category - Diving

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