A BUSINESSMAN’S TAX AUDIT

A BUSINESSMAN’S TAX AUDIT

The income tax officer decides to audit a businessman Kishanchand and summons
him to the income tax office. The officer is not surprised when
Kishanchand shows up with his attorney, Pestonji.. The officer says,
"Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, which you explain by saying that you won money gambling.

I'm not sure the income tax finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Kishanchand .

"How about a demonstration? "

The officer thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Kishanchand says,

"I'll bet you ten thousand rupees that I can bite my own eye."

The officer thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a

bet." Kishanchand removes his

glass eye and bites it. The officer's jaw drops. Kishanchand says,
"Now, I'll bet you Twenty Thousand rupees that I can bite my other
eye." The officer can tell Kishanchand isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Kishanchand removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned officer now realizes he has

wagered and lost Thirty thousand rupees, with Pestonji as a witness.
He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Kishanchand
asks.

"I'll bet you Sixty Thousand rupees that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and
pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between."

The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides
there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Kishanchand stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The officer leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
Into a huge win.

But Pestonji moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?"

the officer asks.

"Not really," says Pestonji, the attorney.

"This morning, when Kishanchand told me he'd been summoned for an audit,
he bet me
One Hundred Thousand Rupees that he could come in here and piss all
over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

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H1N1, Swine Flu - Sorry

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Nandan Nilekani's Fully integrated ID card system....Impact of UID...

This is real cool. When we all have the UID card this could be one such conversation….


Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's ..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 My Colony, Delhi.
Your home number is 22222222, your office 26666666 and your mobile is
09999998888. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure that i'll like it?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular low fat Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 5, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your
bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107.."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using
abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

 

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Myth : IT-Guy !!

After lots of meet ups with my non-IT friends, relatives, strangers,
rickshaw wallahs, etc etc

I noticed that the moment you say that you are an IT guy, they have already
made some assumptions about you.

Myth #1: If you are not in the four biggies ...u are a loser
Auntyji :"Beta, kaunsa tent?"

Me: "Persistent! Aunty I work in Persistent. "
Aunty:"Tumko Info*** mein nahi mila kya?" (in short: "tum second grade gadha
lagte ho"
Then I have to make efforts to tell them how I actually work for a much
better company.
In case the opposite person is technologically sane then I give him some
product development 'maaz' (arrogance).

Myth #2: If you havent been onsite ...u are a loser
Uncle: "Tum do saal se IT company mein kaam kar rahe ho na?"
Me: (tighening my collar..head high) "Haan uncle ...bas ..."

Uncle: "Tum videsh nahi gaye?"
Me: "Nahi uncle project mein requirement nahi hai onsite kaa"
Uncle: "Lekin woh bunty ko toh maanna padegaa... engg mein 2nd class
milaa...
fir bhi usne jamke mehnat ki aur usse company ne USA bheja!"
Aaaha! thats the problem. People think that only the smarty pants are sent
on site while
the loser ones are the people left behind in India. So the assumption is
that if you
haven't been on site then you don't work hard
nor you have any sincerity and .. ok that's enough for now.
Myth #3 You can fix any computer..and calculator and mebbe clocks too
Most of the computer engineers around must have at least once gone to a
friend's place
only to fix his /her comp. The task can be from installing a software
(next..next.. finish)
to fixing a computer which gives electric shocks
when its metal areas are touched.
Myth #4: You have lots of money
Once I met up with my friends from school ..from various fields. I just
mentioned that
it is such a pain to go to office nowadays and said that I wanted to buy a
car.

Friend1: "what problem do u have man .. u are an IT waala"
Friend2: "Tu toh Honda CRV le saktaa hai"
Me: "CRV!! aabey CRV kyaa mere pass VCR lene ka paisa nahi hai"

Even after 5 minutes of convincing them weren't getting convinced.
Myth #5: Coding means sitting in front of the computer
During my college days , my classmate had an encounter with a guy from
mechanical dept:
Mech guy: "Your Computer engineering is a big nautanki.... four years you
learn the same grey dabba...
and all you ppl do is sit nicely in front of that dabba and punch the keys"

Well I dont completely disagree
IT guy = you don't respect traditions and have lots of arrogance

IT guy= you are a philanderer and ..... leave it
Well give us a break !

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Aaj ka Bharat

OLD VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a
fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in
the cold.

MODERN VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a
fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others
are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next
to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house.
Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that
grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for
not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the
grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support
as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).
Opposition MP's stage a walkout

Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a
Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in
the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and
grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway
Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against
Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational
Insititutions & in Govt Services.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left
to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and
handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice".

Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.

CPM calls it the "revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden".

Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

MANY YEARS LATER...

The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar
company in silicon valley.100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation
despite reservation somewhere in India...

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Which one is right answer ???

 

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Oh! GOD!!

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman
Were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a
Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him?
'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he
Walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he
Enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he
Walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in
Silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'

She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall? And
36-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, . . . "OH
GOD !"

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The Honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

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Jokes - 2

• Once a sardar watches an english movie and disscusses about the film the next day with his friend.
  SARDAR: saala kal raat maine 3 ghannte ka ek english picture ki CD dekhi ,na koi scenes dikhe na koi awaaz sunni ,
  FRIEND:picture ka naam kya tha?????
  SARDAR:" NO DISC INSERTED"
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• A Sardarji went to a doctor with 2 red ears.The Doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered " I was ironing my shirt and the phone-rang. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up the Iron and stuck it to my ear".
  The Doctor exclaimed in disbelief" Oh Dear!, What happened to your other ear ?".
  The Sardar replied "The scoundrel called back".
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• A Sardar went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the man.
  "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
  The Sardar touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then he touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then he touched his right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", he cried.
  The doctor checked him thoughtfully for a moment and told him his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
• ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• A Muslim, A Madrasi and A Sardarji working in a company were really frustrated as everyday in their Tiffins the same things were packed. One day they decide that if the next day the same thing is there they would commit suicide. The next day when they open their tiffins they are depressed and the muslim jumps out the window and dies. same thing is done by the madrasi and the sardarji. On the 13th day when their wives meet they discuss among themseleves why they did so. The Muslim's wife says if he would have told me not to give mutton i would have prepared some thing else.The madrasi says if once my hubby would have told me not to give idli i would have given him something else,why he had to commit suicide. The Sardarji's wife was a bit confused and surprised. On asking about his husband she replies," I didn't understand why sardarji committed suicide, he used to prepare his own tiffin everyday"

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The Husband

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. "Your horse phoned"

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Jokes - 1

• Tajmahal ko dekh kar bola shahjahan ka potta;
  Tajmahal ko dekh kar bola shahjahan ka potta:
  Aaj hamara bhi bank balance hota, agar dada diwana na hota!!!
• padh likh kar kya karna hai,
  aakhir ek din to sabko marna hi hai..
  mar kar bhi agar janam liya,
  to fir LKG se hi to padhna hai...
• Teacher to a Sardar: make a sentence in which one word is repeated 4 times
  Sardar: if Lara Dutta marries Brian Lara, she becomes Lara Lara, bolo tara rara!!
• an anxious husband called hospital to ask about his pregnant wife. accidentally he called the cricket stadium.husb: how are things?he died of heart attack on hearing the reply: fine 3 are out,hope to get 7 by lunch... last one ws a duck.."
• a chinese couple mr. and mrs hua got twin children though they didnt want anyso what did they name them??they named them as jo hua & so hua!!!
• sardar at an art gallery: i suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call the "modern art"
  dealer: i beg your pardon sir but thats a mirror.
• Q: how can you identify a sardarji in a classroom?
  ans: its simple, just check who is erasing his notes when the teacher is cleaning the board!!
• Two sardarjis looking at egyptian mummy:
  sardar 1:oh my god!! so many bandages! it was a lorry accident for sure...
  sardar 2:aaho! you are right!! look the lorry no. is also written beneath BC 1760....
• sardar 1: why do doctors anaesthesize the patients during the operations??
  sardar 2: coz they dont want their patients to learn how to operate...

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