Enjoy the ......Corporate language !!

"We will do it" 
means 
" You will do it" 


"You have done a great job" 
means 
"More work to be given to you" 


"We are working on it" 
means 
"We have not yet started working on the same" 


"Tomorrow first thing in the morning" 
means 
"Its not getting done... 
At least not tomorrow !". 


"After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views" 
means 
"I have already decided, I will tell you what to do" 


"There was a slight mis-communication" 
means 
"We had actually lied" 


"Lets call a meeting and discuss" 
means 
"I have no time now, will talk later" 


"We can always do it" 
means 
"We actually cannot do the same on time" 


"We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" 
means 
"The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time." 


"We had slight differences of opinion" 
means 
"We had actually fought" 


"Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" 
means 
"Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me" 


"You should have told me earlier" 
means 
"Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!" 


"We need to find out the real reason" 
means 
"Well I will tell you where your fault is" 


"Well... family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected" 
means 
"Well you know..." 


"We are a team" 
means 
"I am not the only one to be blamed" 


"That's actually a good question" 
means 
"I do not know anything about it" 


"All the Best" 
means 
" You are in trouble"

 

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Story and moral of the story

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not.That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation ?

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Corporate World Ki Kahani

This story tells  us not to be 'too kind' to our bosses. Here it goes:


There's this Jed Smith  who was working for a multi-millionare as a house guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch an early morning flight to conclude a business deal,  Jed Smith  ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate.

He said 'Sir! Sir! Are you going to board a plane?'

'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire.
'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.'
Curious over the early morning fright that  Jed Smith  had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip.

'You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal.'

The following day, there was a news report that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed.
'Thank God, I cancelled the trip', the rich man said realising that what Jed Smith had said had come true, he summoned Smith to see him. When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him.

WHY did he do that?


Think first.....


Use your brains.....


Use your brains!!!


Still no idea?


Come on..... it is quite easy.....


Still drawing a blank???


Just imagine you are Jed Smith  and you have saved your boss's life.....


OK, since you do not want to 'use your brain' like Jed Smith  before you talk to your boss.

Just scroll down for the answer.....






















ANSWER:

Jed Smith was supposed to guard the house at night. NOT to Sleep and Dream all night!
 
 
ADVICE:

So, GO BACK TO WORK, and don't try to save your boss's life. It's not worth it! Always save your own ass first!!!

 

 

 

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Interesting Management Stories

 

 

Interesting Management Stories

Story # 1

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"

Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws  will only destroy it even more."
Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with  the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself. 

 

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"

Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene :
Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral :
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world :
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES

 

---

Story # 2

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

 

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd ! "

Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

Scene :
As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR.

Management Lesson in the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT

 

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A Moral corporate story

Once upon a time the government with Ruling Party XYZ.. had a vast scrap
yard in the middle of a desert.

Ruling Party XYZ Said.. - "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..

- "How does the watchman do his job without instruction? "

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to
write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Ruling Party
XYZ Said..,

- "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do
the studies and one to write the reports. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.. ,

- "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll
officer, then hired two people. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..,

- "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..,

- "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000
over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they lay off the night watchman.

Moral of the story:

"Current Situation In IT industries"

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Old Story With a Corporate Twist

 

There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog.

One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake.

The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson.

The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly.

Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.

Moral of the story " One must not engage in duties other than his own"

..

Now take a new look at the same story…

The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute.

He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night.

He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it.

Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet.

The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well. In the annual appraisal the dog managed a " meets requirement" Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around.

The donkey was rated as "star performer". The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation…

Moral of the story " You figure it out your self"

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